NOT MY THING

At this rate I will ran out of tissues...tears won't stop flowing this sick feeling in the pits of my tummy wont go away..I am just part of the audience but I can feel every emotion expressed by the narrators. I excuse myself to take a bathroom break maybe just maybe my soul will have some sort of relief after all the heartbreaking stories. I was at pyjama party where my very close friend invited me to get to meet her close circle. We had spread three big mattresses on the living room floor and we were now talking about all manner of things from school,businesses,kids,careers to relationships. One of the ladies asked "Is marriage your thing? what are your reasons for your answer?" This questions were directed to everyone in the room. I could see smiles fade and nervous looks kick in,almost as if  that was a taboo topic. One of of the bubbly ladies said"I will go first then maybe you will all have the courage to say it like it is." Naima is her name and this is just a highlight of her answer " I loved a man so much I forgot all else. Life was good and he was an amazing man who treated me like a queen. He made sure I was all smiles when he was around me, even when we fought he still called me baby in the midst of the argument.He was a protector and my best friend so when he proposed I was over the moon. We got married in a simple wedding since we were both living and working in Zambia. We then got lucky and were transferred back home to Kenya I was elated as I was expectant and coming back home meant I would have family around me when I delivered. My due date was here and my dear husband rushed me to hospital. on the way he called family members from both sides to alert them. We had left in such a rush my husband had forgotten to lock the house and pick his wallet so the minute his mother who was the first relative to arrive got to the hospital,he dashed home. I delivered triplets even though I thought it was twins. It was a pleasant surprise and I could not wait for my darling to come and see our babies. My mother-in-law was asked outside by a doctor and she did not come back I waited but nobody came for hours and when my sister finally came she was crying uncontrollably. Nobody wanted to tell me what happened but I knew something was wrong I could taste the sick feeling I had.It was my brothers who told me what happened when I demanded someone call my husband. He was dead!! He crashed on his way back to the hospital and died on the spot. The kind of pain I felt sits in my tummy to date. Marriage is not for me for the sole reason that my pain is still raw and incomprehensible. I feel cheated to have lost him when our life had just began." tears were flowing down her cheek and down the cheeks of many of us.

Next was Violet. " I am sorry Naima. For me the story was different. My mother passed on when we were very young and there were always relatives at my house since I had younger siblings and my father who is a doctor worked crazy shifts. The first few years were OK until I joined high school. My father's youngest brother who was an accountant was now living with us as he had just completed campus and was his first job. He was always hanging out with hoodlums and was always nasty to me and my sister. The nightmares started when started creeping into my bed,he threatened that if I did not comply he would rape my sister.She was just nine and she was deaf. I  cooperated to protect her and because of fear when he said that if I did report he would have his friends carjack my dad and kill him. It was torturous growing up.I hated men, my father was not keen enough to see that his kids were living in fear,my uncle abused me and brother impregnated my friend then forced her to abort. I have never desired to be with a man let alone get married, my career is my husband and my sister is my child." I looked at her as she finished her story,her face was emotionless she was just there, empty and cold. We all went to hug her and said something to her trying to reassure her.

Mercy is the girl who will defend you no matter what so when started to answer I was very eager to listen to her story." I was married to a guy who was my soul mate or so I thought. We were happy and he did all he promised to do for me and for us. He got a better job an year into our marriage and things changed. He stopped calling me during the day,texts stopped,dates ended and he became scarce. I tried it all,cooking better meals, wearing lingerie around our house, texting him and every imaginable thing I could to have him pay attention to me. Nothing worked if anything I was ignored harder. One time I made reservations for dinner to celebrate his birthday and he did not show up. he came home the next day and when I asked he told me am not his mother I should have checked if he and his boys had plans. I cried and questioned God for this state of affairs. I cooked and ate alone,I cleaned house and stayed alone, he ignored me completely. He went further to chat the night away when he came to bed. My self esteem went down and my heart broke everyday, I tried to reach out but he said I am petty and I am putting too much pressure on him. One day there was no more  heart to break and I asked for a day off at work,I went home packed everything save for his clothes and his Xbox and left. I was done being lonely in a marriage and loosing my dignity and my self esteem. I did not look back even when he tried reaching out . I am officially done with marriage, it is definitely not for me. Now I make it my business to encourage my friends in hurtful marriages to be liberated not suffocated by the maltreatment of men." I must admit I wear my emotions on my sleeve, I cried through all this stories. Each time wearing the narrator's shoes and feeling their pain.

Now there was silent Becky who was sitting calmly listening to the answers it was only now she broke the silence. " I have seen it all and been through it all. I was molested by my grandfather between the age of ten and thirteen, I lost my father in jail where he was after killing my grandfather for molesting me,at nineteen I got married to a man that beat me black blue after drinking himself silly every weekend, when he died my in laws accused me of murder and took away my child's inheritance. To me men had failed me and I hated them all until I met someone who taught me something I will briefly share with you. First stop generalising that men are bad, there are equally good men out there just as there are bad women and good women. you know those bad men by name and by sight why do you continue to allow them to steal your joy past what they managed to do? Good men will keep running into bad women because bad women are the ones looking for marriage and good women will keep running into bad men because bad men are the ones seeking marriage. We need more good women looking for good men and having great marriages.  When you date a man and feel that he is for you, don't fight it rather kneel and pray over it. Don't rush into it just because you are following your heart. Bond and have a friendship like no other by either showing interest in his hobbies or allowing him space to participate freely. Encourage him. It's  very easy to criticise and hate on something he's doing but instead choose to encourage it builds him up and makes him feel good about himself.Tell him you're sorry and show it when you've hurt him, swallow your pride.Resolve conflict quickly and soberly don't let your anger grow or come into bed with you.Defend him. If you're in a situation where someone is not being polite to him (e.g. your family friends, etc.) IMMEDIATELY stand up for him and tell them all the things that you appreciate about him.Initiate intimacy,you may not have a need at the particular moment for intimacy, but that's how men register that you love them.Flirt with him. It doesn't hurt to be flirty! Flirting is a good way to show your affection and love ,don't expect him to read your mind. Men are NOT mind-readers. If you have something to say, say it! (But in a sweet way, please).Don't over commit yourself by this I mean don't constantly give other activities or people priority over time spent with him. Find ways to show him you need him stop all this independent woman attitude in your relationship . Most importantly pray for him,with him and about him. I see many of you frowning and burning with questions which am guessing are why should I do it? what will he do? what if he hurts me after all this? I am addressing you ladies because this message is for you.A man who does not see you doing anything when you are doing all this for him is not for you. I will touch lightly too on men for those of you who have sons so you may teach them this. A man should not talk to his woman like one of his boys being direct and blunt about things will cause her to feel controlled and unappreciated. If there is a difference in opinion don't criticise her rather agree to not to agree.Touch her heart before her body, women want romance more than anything and men need to keep in mind fore play starts in the mind for a woman. a gesture well away from her  body(e.g. doing the dishes, making her breakfast,sending her lunch at work etc). Listen to her, not just her words but her emotion as she talk about something it allows you to hear what she's communicating to you. don't be looking at the TV or your phone when she's talking to you. be attentive. Make time for her everyday,make a choice to spend time with her remember absence may make the heart fonder of someone else. Time together is the water that keeps the grass green in your relationship. Time does not just happen you have to make it happen ,create it.

Get involved, don't just tell her she looks good participate in her looking good by rubbing her feet,dropping her at the salon or better yet paying for it, buying her accessories no matter how simple, paying attention to personal items she's saving to buy and boosting her financially to get them.The list I promise you is endless.Use every chance you can to continue growing closer to your partner and learn more about her wants, needs, desires, and aspirations. Keep learning and growing. Just like a fine wine, marriage gets better over the years. He must pray for her, about her and with her."

She had spoken uninterrupted and even when she stopped it felt like the ladies were taking mental notes. She noticed this and said" I know many are  trying to reconcile what I just said and it is not easy. I got this teaching when I was at the lowest point of my life. I gave dating a chance and now it is four years this week since I got married. It has not been all candy and roses but it has been wonderful, we both try to do all this and that's how we fall in love everyday.It starts with each one of you choosing to do it for the relationship, both of you making that individual choice to act right. Your history does not define you so leave the broken pieces there and have a rebirth my gals''